“I was terrified if I asked my baby for help, it would be torn from my arms.”

Abigail Nicholson did not tell anyone how he felt until an emotional phone call in a parking lot of Tesco saw her break into tears

When I was pregnant, all they told me was how motherhood is the best in the world, a blessing and pure joy. Do not be misunderstood, that is true, but that does not mean that sometimes there is no darker side than not many people are open.

I fought with depression and anxiety in my adolescence endings at 20 years, they put me in quite strong antidepressants and offered me cognitive behavioral therapy through the NHS after a year and a half in a waiting list. Those techniques saved my life and left my medicine five years later.

I discovered that I was pregnant in June 2023 and I immediately began to worry about my mental health, since I knew that the probability of fighting could be greater. The NHS establishes that more than one in 10 women can be affected by postnatal depression within a year of giving birth. Perhaps the most incrusting, the Maternal Mental Health Alliance affirms that suicide remains the main cause of direct maternal death between six weeks and 12 months after birth.

From my same appointment with the midwives at the Whiston hospital, they asked about my mental well -being and told me they would continue to ask at each appointment, what they did. In addition to regular anxieties during pregnancy as “how do you take care of a little human” and my great fear of needles, I felt really positive, happy and excited about the next chapter of our lives?

After my daughter was born, I suffered with ‘Baby Blues’ about three days after childbirth, as many new mothers do. I was extremely emotional for a month after birth. Most of the time it was something I could laugh: the smallest, like my partner who bought my favorite shop in the store, would put myself in floods of tears.

Being aware of my mental health, I made sure everything I could, addressing Mamafit Walks in the hey park, babies classes and local children’s centers. I remember thinking for myself that I was so good. I took a false sense of security thinking that it was “too late” for me to experience postnatal depression. Oh, how wrong he was.

I went for a difficult time when my daughter was about four months old and I couldn’t shake how I felt. I started thinking about returning to work and I had my first day of maintenance in the contact, which I left feeling quite deflated.

Soon I found myself in a really dark place, I couldn’t cope with my daughter’s cry and would take everything so personally. She had constant thoughts of not being good enough for her. I repeatedly told myself that she was a horrible mother and felt so disconnected from her, which was scary.

Many times these thoughts would send me to a kind of anger. My skin would feel that I was burning and my head was so full of negative thoughts that they would not stop.

For those who know me, they would know that this was totally out of place, and since then I knew that this body was in the mode of fight or flight due to severe anxiety and depression. I never had problems asking for help regarding my mental health, but after having my daughter I was terrified because I thought my baby would take it away. The image of a stranger starting my baby from my arms was enough to avoid looking for help for months.

I felt that I was drowning and I couldn’t take the air again. After seeing how worried my partner was, and not knowing what would happen if I continued spirally, I got in touch with the Knowsley Visiting health team.

I called the team while sitting in my car next to my sleeping baby in a Tesco parking. I started crying with the lovely health visitor, Julia, while I told him how I felt, and for the first time I came up with a great wave of relief.

From there, I was referred to the specialist perinatal team that evaluated me and sent me for more therapy, which I am still waiting for. Meanwhile, one of my close friends told me that I was worried and I hoped I wouldn’t care, but spoke with someone at the beginning Knowsley, an independent charity organization that supported families, about my situation.

My friend said that the beginning had an online reference form for advice, who thought she should complete, and gave me the number of Helen, her perinatal coordinator. I talked to Helen on the phone and practically felt that I was taking my hand and gave me the warmest hug.

She listened while explaining how I had been feeling and told me that I had nothing to worry about, since I had contacted the right people. The incredible team at the beginning, many of which are volunteers, offer services that include home visits to help families cope with the pressures they face, while offering a free advice and a safe space for socialize parents and children.

Helen refer me to her wonderful councilor, Julie, who could fit me in six sessions to make sure you have some support before returning to work in January. Those six sessions were full of tears, laughs and many truths that I needed to listen to improve.

Julie taught me to calm the very strong voice in my head that I was convincing me that it was not good enough, while I was confident to realize that I am a good mother. I could say that out loud for the first time in our final session.

Without those sessions I have no idea how my life would look now, but one thing I know is that they changed my life. Postnatal depression is a large trip, and I still have a lot of work to make my mind health.

I wanted to share what I am happening for other people to know that asking for help does not make it a failure, it means you are strong. And I wanted to highlight the beneficial organizations and companies to which I owe my sanity.

I cannot believe that a year ago I had no idea that these brilliant organizations that help new mothers even existed. The work at home, Knowsley Children’s Centers and Mamafit do is indescribable and were an absolute lifeguard for me.

He would never have obtained the benefit of any of his help if he had not taken that discouraging step to ask for help.

Home-Start Knowlyley is based on Rupert Road in Huyton. For more information about the beneficial organization or to look at your session visit schedule