Asking Eric: My stepparents cut me out of their wills after my parents died

Dear Eric: My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 3. He went with our father and I went with our mother. We saw each other on vacations and summers. Both parents remarried and had two more children. There is a gap of seven to nine years or more in our ages.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like resentment. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were with them.

Fast forward to today, we are both retired, have families and have been doing well in every way. We work hard to build and maintain a relationship with our parents and step-parents/siblings. I thought progress had been made.

Both parents died within a two-year period. Both stepfathers redid their wills and excluded us from them. I was surprised. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

I am left with an angry residue of past resentments that have resurfaced. There is nothing about my parents that I want. It’s not about money; There’s not much, I know. I just don’t know how to move forward. Do I ghost them? Stop calling, writing, and visiting because it seems too one-sided? I have done most of the work and effort to maintain a relationship.

—Despised stepson

Dear Scorned: What petty people your stepparents seem to be. They can adjust their wills any way they want, but it’s very telling that they didn’t make the big change until your parents were gone. It doesn’t sit well with me. You feel callous and calculating. And unnecessarily.

Despite the machinations with their properties, you can still decide what you want from them. There’s a version of this where you decide these are people not worth knowing. They came into your life at a tender time and they were not kind. It can be very liberating to say, “I deserve better than this; “I am leaving this relationship in the past.”

Alternatively, you can say, “I want to be in a relationship and this feels one-sided. What can we do to change that?” And see what they come up with. But honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth my time.

Lastly, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s magnificent and perfect novel “Commonwealth,” you might want to read it. This is a blended family and some of the themes may resonate strongly with you in a way that you find cathartic.

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law, whom I love and have known since she was a child, recently purchased two little “doodle” dogs. He brought them with him for an overnight weekend visit.

They barked at every little sound: a person entering the room, a door opening or closing. My sister-in-law’s response to her dogs was ineffective.

The weekend with her dogs made me anxious and it was difficult for me to enjoy my visits.

For me it was worse to tolerate since I have experience both professionally (with children) and personally (with dogs) in the analysis and modification of behavioral problems. It’s very easy for me to see what reinforced the dogs’ behavior.

My dilemma is should I not allow her to bring her dogs for the next visit or do a visit that includes bringing the dogs depending on my sister-in-law allowing me to teach her how to address the dogs behavior? She doesn’t seem to mind the incessant barking and barking.

—Tired dog

Dear Tired: Although your experience is with children and dogs, it seems that the behavior you most want to modify is that of your adult sister-in-law. That’s going to present a problem.

It’s okay to tell him that the dogs made too much of a fuss last time and ask him to leave them behind for the next visit. This of course makes the visit less hospitable as you will have to find a suitable dog sitter. And you may choose to stay home. If you’re okay with that possibility and don’t resent it, great.

It’s also okay to offer to teach him a better way to handle his dogs. But making it a prerequisite to spending time with you? I don’t see how that wouldn’t cause resentment.

You have a long and loving relationship. You can simply tell her that dogs get on your nerves and that you have some advice, if she is open to them. Piles of scribbled behaviors are no reason to fuel a dispute. Talk to her without judging her. Offer to help but accept their “no, thank you” if that is their answer.

Communicating clearly, without trying to control it, will make planning the next meeting easier. And it allows you to take their feelings and your own into consideration.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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