Asking Eric: My boyfriend stopped wanting sex after we moved in together

Dear Eric: I have been in a wonderful relationship for a year with a man who treats me like a queen and we plan to eventually get married. It turns out that we have a mutual friend, who I have known for many more years than he has. The mutual friend is known by many as a toxic person who is also a selfish bully, and I believe he uses his friendship with my boyfriend to elevate his own image and legitimize his toxic actions.

I would never give my boyfriend the ultimatum of choosing me over his friend, but I have to admit that I feel some resentment every time he spends time with him, which is affecting our relationship.

My boyfriend is aware of my feelings regarding our mutual friend, but he continues to meet and hang out with him, as if nothing is happening. I’m stuck.

—Made with Mr. Yuck

Dear Fact: While your reasons for playing the role of Toxic Avenger may be noble, it’s time to hang up your cape. If it is your resentment that is affecting your relationship and not whatever the friend is doing to you or your relationship, then you should put it aside. If you don’t, you risk toxicity yourself.

You write that your boyfriend is dating this person as if nothing is happening. That’s because nothing is wrong with him. Unless your boyfriend is toxic, he’s unlikely to hang out with that toxic friend to spite you. So don’t take it personally. As an adult, you will have to assume the social consequences of your friendship. You can reserve a gentle “I told you so” in case things go wrong for him.

Sometimes our partners or loved ones have bad friends. Sometimes those friends are even toxic. Sure, it calls into question their judgment and makes some meetings annoying, but ultimately our partners and loved ones are free to make their own decisions, even the ones we don’t agree with. If we stand in that way, we deny them their autonomy, which creates a whole new set of problems. You have expressed your opinion. So be it and let’s hope he comes to his senses.

Dear Eric: I am a 50-year-old woman who reconnected with a 41-year-old man I dated years ago.

Before we moved in together, physical intimacy decreased from maybe once a week to every two weeks. He claims he was stressed about his job and it had nothing to do with me.

More than six months of living together have passed and now there is almost a month left until he is “in the mood.” I have cried and we have argued over the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Each time, he claims that he is still attracted to me but is no longer interested in sex. He said he doesn’t have that drive. He worries that if he tries to have sex he won’t be able to do it.

I have made it clear to him that sex and intimacy are very important to me and I think he needs to seek help to find out if he has low testosterone or not. He states that he wants things to “take care of themselves” on their own. I love him and I love our home we share, but I refuse to live in a sexless, affectionless relationship. Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

—Lost love

Dear Lost: You can’t be blamed for being honest about your needs. Sex is not a requirement of a relationship. But communication is. Even though you are talking about this, I don’t know if you are communicating effectively.

I don’t know what you mean by saying that things take care of themselves. As? Because? When? It’s not your fault if you are stuck and not sure how to solve this problem. But there is a difference between getting stuck and avoiding it.

When our bodies or our desires change, particularly in ways we don’t want, the change can trigger shame. And shame can generate a whole network of behaviors. If we don’t address the root, the web becomes more complicated.

There are solutions: talk to a trained professional, together or alone; the test you mentioned; adjust your sex life to explore intimacy in a way that doesn’t put pressure on him to perform.

Ask yourself what a loving relationship is like: get creative. Physical connection is important, but challenge yourself to think beyond the physical as well. Then ask him the same thing. Tell him you are at a crossroads and ask him to be your partner in finding the way forward. Sex is part of intimacy, but the ability to be vulnerable is paramount. You can both practice vulnerability by working together to find new forms of intimacy. I hope he takes this step with you.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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