Asking Eric: Lack of intimacy in a rekindled relationship

Dear Eric: I’m a 50 year old woman who reconnected with a 41 year old man I dated years ago.

Before we moved in together, physical intimacy decreased from maybe once a week to every two weeks. He claims he was stressed about his job and it had nothing to do with me.

More than six months of living together have passed and now there is almost a month left until he is “in the mood.” I have cried and we have argued over the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Each time, he claims that he is still attracted to me but is no longer interested in sex. He said he doesn’t have that drive. He worries that if he tries to have sex he won’t be able to do it.

I have made it clear to him that sex and intimacy are very important to me and I think he needs to seek help to find out if he has low testosterone or not. He states that he wants things to “take care of themselves” on their own. I love him and I love our home we share, but I refuse to live in a sexless, affectionless relationship. Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

– Lost love

Dear Lost: You can’t blame him for being honest about his needs. Sex is not a requirement of a relationship. But communication is. Even though you are talking about this, I don’t know if you are communicating effectively.

I don’t know what you mean by saying that things take care of themselves. As? Because? When? It’s not your fault if you are stuck and not sure how to solve this problem. But there is a difference between getting stuck and avoiding it.

When our bodies or our desires change, particularly in ways we don’t want, the change can trigger shame. And shame can generate a whole network of behaviors. If we don’t address the root, the web becomes more complicated.

There are solutions: talk to a trained professional, together or alone; the test you mentioned; adjust your sex life to explore intimacy in a way that doesn’t put pressure on him to perform.

Ask yourself what a loving relationship is like: get creative. Physical connection is important, but challenge yourself to think beyond the physical as well. Then ask him the same thing. Tell him you are at a crossroads and ask him to be your partner in finding the way forward. Sex is part of intimacy, but the ability to be vulnerable is paramount. You can both practice vulnerability by working together to find new forms of intimacy. I hope he takes this step with you.