Miss Manners: The Church’s friend does not take my allergies seriously; The husband is fed up

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and my four of our seven children have allergies to several foods, such as pork, mushrooms and onions. The majority of our friends and family know it, and will do everything possible to avoid these things. If they have pork, they will do something extra for the two children who cannot eat it, for example. We also try to feed our children before going to Potlucks or other events where food can have ingredients that we do not know.

About a year ago, my husband and a son had an accident. Our church organized a food train, where people brought hot dishes or had pizza and carrying food. (We did the same for other families several times). They gave people to know about the allergies of our family, but some still brought dishes containing those foods. A woman would say: “I know you didn’t say (ingredient), but once you try this, you can take an antihistamine and it will be fine.”

I am someone who hates offending anyone. I didn’t know how to say politely: “It doesn’t work that way” and I didn’t want them to feel bad, so I just said “thanks.” A couple of dishes that I could give to a relative, but some plates ended up being thrown.

Not long ago, I underwent surgery and I was in the hospital for 46 days. The Church passed again. One day, when I was just my son and my husband at home, the same lady came with the same dish. My husband asked him if there was pig, fungus, onion or coriander. She said it was the same dish she had brought last time, and told her to take an antihistamin.

After she left, my husband threw the food. Later, when he returned the empty plate, he told him that he would have put it to him and our son in the hospital if they had eaten him.

She was crying, I guess. When I got home and told me about it, I felt bad for how I had drove it. He said he should have rejected the food the first time, even if he offended it. Is there a softer way to reject such things?

Soft reader: Everyone wants to be treated with respect and have the benefit of doubt. And everyone wants the other person to be rational.

Everything would work if we could make everyone correspond.

Her husband wants the onion and pork lady to understand that family allergies are not mere preferences, and probably sees the antihistamine comment as disrespectful coverage. He thinks it is irrational to grant, or expect gratitude for, a gift that has no value for the recipient.

What you should remind her is that she seems to mean well, even if she is acting in ignorance. One can try to educate it without reprimanding it, recognize its good intentions and say that it could hardly be expected to understand how allergies work, but that it would be dangerous to accept their kind gift.

Miss Manners would also make her appeal to her husband’s rational side: if she sends all possible benefactors in tears, she will be hungry.