Stop generational abuse and family tensions about money

Dear Eric:

I stayed in an abusive marriage for too long, and for a wide variety of reasons, including that we needed the income and health insurance of my ex to meet chronic medical needs.

My adult now knows the scope of abuse in my marriage because I hid it. Anyway, it is three times more likely to become an abuser simply because it grew in an abusive home.

Unfortunately, I have heard him rebuke and insult his lovely wife several times. I have made soft corrections with him following his comments. The last time was at a family holiday meeting. I immediately said that I spent years planning to leave his father due to similar treatments, and that he knew he could be a better man and husband. I said that his wife deserves to be treated with kindness and respect always.

I don’t want to be a Buttinsky in another person’s marriage, but I don’t want to sit in silence perpetuating another generation of domestic abuse/violence. Will I be out of tune to have a private conversation with my precious daughter -in -law and then my son? Please help me to raise my adult son respectfully.

– Conscious mom

Dear mom:

Their instincts are absolutely correct. You are in a unique position to make a difference as your child’s mother and a survivor of abuse. This is not enthrone; It is a brave and responsible parenting.

In addition, his guide can help direct his son from dangerous and observed behavior, as well as protect his daughter -in -law. As he knows, having someone out of marriage who can offer support, protection and resources will help his daughter -in -law immeasurably. You can also help your child find a way to get help to yourself. If you are looking for ways to start conversations, the National Direct Line of Domestic Violence (Thehotline.org) has a lot of resources. You can also search for domestic violence intervention programs in your area.

You have no responsibility to “save” your child. However, his desire to offer his wisdom is invaluable. Please have the conversations you feel safe for you and also speak with a counselor or a trusted friend about the emotions that this poses for you.

Dear Eric:

I am the aunt of two incredible young people. I have always been a large part of their lives, especially when my brother and mother divorced. When each of them was born, I opened a savings account in their names and I have been constantly adding money every month.

Five years ago, my brother married a lovely woman with two children, whom we have received our family from all over heart.

My nephew is 17 years old and postulates universities and my 16 -year -old niece will do the same next year. He always intended that the money went to college, or a car/house if they decided not to go to college. When I mentioned to give my nephew the money for the university to my brother and sister -in -law, she said that she believes that the money should be divided equally among the four children.

Now, look, I like your children. But my niece, the nephew and I have a special link, and have gone through a lot in their lives. I feel that they should not have to share this particular gift. I hate what money can do with relationships. What do you think?

– I don’t want to share

Dear sharing:

AGH, money. You are right: you can create terrible situations, especially in families. But ultimately, money does not destroy families; The behavior of people and emotions not administered yes.

Frankly, you can and you must do what you want with money. I understand the concern of her sister -in -law for the future of her children, but she would wish she has framed her more as a request or, better yet, she worked with her brother to help her children handle any emotion around the gift.

However, it may be better for maintaining your relationship to think about creative solutions. The ages of the children of their sister -in .

The amount of money is also something to consider. Is this enough money to cover all the registration? Or is it a significant amount, but would not help significantly with the university if you divide four ways?

In the end, however, this is his gift to do as you want. Any relative of the children of their sister -in -law can also do what they want. You would not be depriving your sister -in -law’s children by not giving them a gift they did not expect. But you can save a headache to consider some alternatives before doing what you want and have every right to do.