I go to my partner’s family reunion. But I am terrified of what could happen there.

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Dear care and food,

My partner’s family is having a meeting this summer. We have been together for seven years and this is the first time they have had a family reunion since then, so it is a big problem. Mainly I get along with his family, but I have never met them all. A particular person is worrying me: his cousin, “ed.” Ed works for an oil company and voted for Trump.

My partner’s father says that Ed only voted for Trump for “economic reasons” and that he is not racist or transbobic, etc. However, as I am trans, and my son is not binary, that really does not make me feel better.

He voted and supports someone who is actively doing my life and the life of my least safe son. I am excited about the meeting, but also horrified that the motto of the whole family is “not to talk about politics.” Easy to say when you are a tall, cisgenero and straight middle class. How do I attend this meeting and I didn’t please this man “not talking about politics”? For me, that gives you a free pass!

“Not a complacent town

Dear not a complacent people,

One year, they gave me a complete list of songs that my conservative white relatives did not want me to speak at Christmas. (They still wanted to be able to say what they wanted on these issues, they simply did not want it to disagree openly with them). Honestly, I have to laugh when I think about it now, because they must have known that there was not the way I would accompany him. You don’t owe anyone your silence. And, of course, it is also his right and responsibility to defend his son. You do not have to constantly bite your tongue and avoid all political conversation with your partner’s family accordingly of keeping all the white people CIS comfortable.

But there is a difference between giving them a free pass and looking for their own sanity and well -being. It may not be the one to mention the first policy with the cousin Ed, you simply do not need aggravation! If he mentions it first, or says something that you think is wrong or very offensive, then you can decide if you feel ready with him at that time, and, if so, what he wants to say. He is also totally well if he decides that it is not worth his time and energy, and prefers not to commit to him at all. Honestly, if you never have the opportunity to listen to ED’s opinions or learn why he voted for Trump, so much better?

I also think it is worth talking about all this with your partner in advance. If you go to this meeting with them, what do you expect or want them in terms of support? It is possible that they have already been known since they have been together for so long, but, again, this is the first time they have to think about the context of their whole extended family. Both should be able to share their concerns and any anxiety between them before the trip. Talk about how each of you feel and prepare to support each other in the way you need.

–Ninicole

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