I received an emergency call from my daughter’s husband. When I arrived, my daughter’s reaction terrified me.

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Dear care and food,

My daughter from the mid -40s has always had an upward temperament. She sees a counselor regularly and is taking medications. Your personal life is not easy; Her husband of the mid -70s has a neurodegenerative disease and can no longer drive, and her 14 -year -old twins have behavioral and sensory disorders along with the disorders of the usual adolescents. Five years ago, we decided to move to his city, not only to be closer but because he really loved the community.

My husband and I are happy to be the support of child care needs for days of illness, transport or almost anything else. Every time she has had a great collapse or felt overwhelmed by the things of the children, her husband has called me to intervene. The last twice that happened, she mistreated me thoroughly to intervene. Last time, I turned and told him. I was no longer going to defend this abuse. Later I apologized to shout, but said I was tired of being shaken when they asked me to help. I said that she would only answer if she requested help.

A few hours ago, her husband called and said she wanted her to take her to the hospital, another collapse, and since she said she asked for it, I drove to pick her up. When I arrived, I was in his room and sat down in the living room to wait for her. Then, a few minutes later, they cursed me because I did not arrive directly to their room to see what I needed or comfort it (I am a natural comfort that generally resent). She told me to go and went to the hospital on her own.

I am aging, I do not like to drive at night (and I will soon have to give up that) and work very intentionally to maintain my own mental health, both to be able to answer if necessary. And also for other reasons. Of course, it is scary when she flies from the mango in this way and flees, and all I can do is wait. My interior is closed and beaten until I heard that he has returned to a balanced state. But I can no longer handle your abusive reactions for my own health. I will be fine, hard work to be fine, but I am not sure what my answer to these situations in the future is.

—Disado and tired bone

Dear tired,

I regret that you are going through this. It seems that you are doing the right things so far. You are making yourself available, you are not rebuking it to “get it together” (or at least, I hope you don’t), and you are establishing limits for your own mental health. Not everyone can do these things, so some credit and grace must occur.

There may be ways to relieve some of the stressful factors between you and your daughter. I like your limit to only help when she asks you. I do not know how capable it is when he is in a state of breakdown, but he can amend his guide to say that he needs to talk to his daughter directly at that time. When you do, you can prepare it for how you will help. Think of this sense: “Yes, I can take you to the hospital, I can be there in about 20 minutes. If you are well with you, I will let myself in, and then you want me to come to look for you or simply shout from the entrance door I am there. When a person is in a mental health crisis, things can feel out of control and react from their emotional, not logical center. Therefore, by making the person know what to expect and give them options when he can, he is helping a small request to chaos. Does your husband act in this way? If not, make you answer these care calls, or do them together, but make it the one who enters the house first and let’s talk most of most conversations.

Have you considered therapy for you? I think he could greatly benefit from seeing a therapist with experience in the condition of his daughter; You can get some valuable ideas to help you better meet your needs and avoid or resist your outbursts. If that is not an option at this time, maybe other resources are available for you. For example, I have received training in mental health first aid in a hospital in my city. This program is still relatively new, so it might not be available in its area, but provides excellent basal education on how to help someone in a mental health crisis.

While observing that his daughter has been emotionally volatile for a while, she does not say how long these extreme behaviors have been happening. From context tracks, I suppose they are relatively new, or at least, they have only been so severe for a short time. It is not an excuse, but I think it is important to recognize that it is going through a trauma at this time with her husband’s disease, which adds to her chronic mental health challenges. Add to that two difficult parents of parents and I am not surprised that I am fighting. In one of your quieter receptive states, you and your husband probably need to have a serious conversation with her about how to support her through all this. I am glad that I am in some kind (s) of treatment, but I wonder if she and the rest of the family feel that she meets her needs. In addition, I am worried about what can happen when her husband finally dies. It could be even deeper trauma, or it could be a relief, or even both. Are you ready and prepared to handle that? How can you (and allow) support?

His question was not directly about this, but it would be negligent if he did not mention his twins. They are also experiencing a time of great trauma and instability. I hope you have a support system and some healthy coping strategies. But this could be another way to help, if they are receptive to it. The next time you disappear and feel helpless, you may be there for your grandchildren. Tomal them for ice cream, invite them to watch a movie, anything that is restorative and pleasant for all of you. It is possible that his daughter does not appreciate her help right now, but her grandchildren could do it. I wish you the best in the coming months and years. This is not an easy situation for someone to be, and it is fine to know their limits and take care of themselves.

– Allison

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